OK. Um. Last night I watched the 2013 biopic about Hilly Kristal, founder of CBGB and one of the — do I have to say seminal? — seminal figures in the American punk and independent music scene.

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I’m not sure how to describe what I — do I have to say witnessed? — witnessed. If you could buy a CBGB snow globe, this pitcher is what you would see once the little blizzard had settled.

Only worse. Peering into its acrylic dome, you’d notice that the sign on the — do I have to say iconic? — iconic awning said not “CBGB” and “OMFUG” but “MADAM” and “TUSSAUD.” Inside those swinging doors? Yup, miniature lip-syncing figurines of Patti Smith, Stiv Bators, Tom Verlaine, and — gulp, do I have to say Sting? — Sting.

But wait. It’s worse even than that: a waxworks Alan Rickman (apparently wearing Ricky Gervais’s fright wig from When the Whistle Blows) reprises his performance as the phlegmatic Colonel Brandon from the film version of Sense & Sensibility, in which Hugh Grant out-acted him by doing absolutely nothing.